Tanya Semerad 0:00
This show is not for the faint of heart. If you're craving personal growth that goes beyond the surface level, then you're in the right place. Get ready to unlock your mind. Unleash your authenticity, ignite your purpose and passion and fortify your emotional resilience. Say goodbye to drum and distraction and hello to new potential. As a former lawyer and business leader turned certified High Performance Coach, I know what it takes to excel in life. I'm here to push you beyond your comfort zone, challenge your beliefs and spark a transformation that will revolutionize the way you work, have relationships and your well being. You've already taken the first step by being here. So buckle up, because we're about to go on this life changing journey together. Are you ready? Let's do this.
Hello, my friend, I'm so happy you're here because we're going to talk about how to build more emotional resilience in your relationships, both in your personal friendships and intimate relationships, and in your professional working relationships. Because at the end of the day, we're all people dealing with other people, no matter where you take us are all people. So I've got so many ideas and tools that will help you build more emotional resilience. But instead of kind of bunching them up into a super long, 64 hour episode, I'll use the next few episodes to give you my most favorite, most life changing tools and ideas in snack sized meals. So in this snack sized meal, we're going to help you build more emotional resilience with the teachings of Dr. Viktor Frankl. Now you may have heard of his book or read his book Man's Search for Meaning, but he's an Austrian psychiatrist, neurologist and Holocaust survivor of World War Two. So before we dive into the teachings, let's recap energy why we are here in the first place, we have four sources of energy, not just the two, the mental, and the physical energy that we've been told we have. We've also got emotional and spiritual energy. This is critical to know because even when you're fully optimizing your mental and physical energy, you're still only firing at 50%, you've only got two of the four. So you're firing at 50% of your energy availability. When you do this, it's unnecessarily hard work things. You know we do they make us feel good, but definitely not great because we're still juggling everything we're burning out were skipping emotional and spiritual energy. When we do that, we feel more uncertain of where we're headed. We're more unsure of what we're doing and what it all means. And we're wondering what our purpose and true path is. So to unlock your full potential, I know it makes sense to you that you have to activate all four sources of energy. If you want to have your best relationships. If you want to have your best health and live in alignment with your highest self, you know, you can hear, you've got to activate all four sources. So check out episode nine to get a full overview of mental physical, emotional, and spiritual energy. So let's talk more about emotional energy Now, which of course differs to feelings, emotions, and feelings are different. They sound same, same, but they are very different emotions are those quick fire rushes that we experience in our bodies, whereas feelings are actually thoughts. Does that blow your mind? Feelings are thoughts feelings are your understanding of what that emotion meant. They're an intellectualization of the emotion. So feelings are a powerful tool. They're a power tool if you like in your toolbox, I love power tools. For a girl who likes to get stuff done. I can build my own furniture. Thank you very much. So just by thinking a thought, whether it's about something from the past or something that you anticipate happening in the future, you are able to trigger an emotional experience inside your body. So when you're looking forward to something you trigger excitement, chemicals, yes. And when you're dreading something, oh my gosh, you trigger stress chemicals, how can I fight this or how can I flight it? Can I just find it turned on right here. So all All of this and more all of these emotions and more are triggered with pure thought. So let's really get this using only your thoughts, you're able to trigger an emotional rush. Even without that physical activity trigger or inlaw. Even being there, it's all in your mind. This is because your brain and body respond to your mind, your mind is how you think. Your brain and body respond to your mind by creating and releasing chemicals and hormones that match up with those thoughts. It's like a game of SNAP, you think it and your body will provide it. But too many people are trapped. They're trapped in old cycles of thinking, old cycles of thinking, feeling emoting because they don't know that they can control their thoughts. Note here that I didn't say, stop their thoughts, I said, control their thoughts, because ultimately, my friend, you have the capability, the given right to choose which thoughts you bring into your mind, and which thoughts you focus on. It's all your decision. So imagine a stream of water in nature somewhere, it's beautiful, peaceful, the birds chirping, the sun is shining. And naturally, the water is there, we don't control the existence of that stream of water. But we can control the direction in which that water goes. No, it is not easy to control your thoughts. But it does get easier. I mean, if it were an easy thing, we'd all be monks and all we living from our highest potential, it'll be high performance. But we're not. And sometimes we dip in and out of high performance. And we're human because we forget, you know, we forget that we even have these controls. We'd rather lose ourselves and distractions or trying to control other people. We try to get them to be someone who they're not rather do all that weird controlling stuff, then take accountability for ourselves. Because ultimately, we don't want to make ourselves wrong, do we? It's part of human nature. Yes. But of course, it's not part of that higher consciousness. It's not part of high performance. And this is why I say that a lot of us are like The Walking Dead. And not just because I like a zombie movie. But just the Walking Dead living unconsciously living on autopilot, they have left the cockpit. If this left autopilot on, which of course creates more mediocre results in life as a pre programmed that autopilot is just reacting to stuff. It's not initiating or building from a higher level, a higher self a better self. This isn't you I know, I'm not telling you off. You're not asleep at the wheel here, you're awake, you're gaining more and more awareness with this kind of content on this podcast, so that you can create the life you want to be accountable for yourself and good for you. I love that about you. So if that mind and thinking stuff excites you, like it clearly excites me, check out episode 10 on unlocking more mental energy, more of that mental potential and that freedom that you want in your life. So, back to emotions, when we want to have more emotional resilience. When we want to have more emotional control being emotional balance, if you like, when we want the ability to be unaffected by the opinions of other people, no matter how good or bad you think they are, then we've got to understand that we are in charge of our feelings and emotions. No one, absolutely no one aside from you can decide that you are going to be negatively affected emotionally, that you're going to be immobilized, insecure, inadequate, irrelevant, insignificant, incompetent, intimidated, inferior, insulted, irritated, I rate in can Desmond look at all those AIOs I can come up with I could be a walking talking to Soros anyway. Or I did use a thesaurus.
You have to remember that in your mind, you have a corner of freedom. You have a space to choose how you think and therefore how you want to feel, not how you think in reaction to somebody or in reaction to a difficult situation on autopilot. This was what the program says I got to know people who develop emotional resilience and really a desire a a hope, or belief in a better future. When they do this in the face of difficulty they are better able to cope with challenges and also they're able to thrive in life. It's not just about surviving. It's about thriving able to thrive despite the difficulties faced. An extreme example of this is from the late Dr. Viktor Frankl, that Austrian psychiatrist, neurologist and Holocaust survivor, who wrote Man's Search for Meaning were in that book, he wrote about his experience of being in Nazi concentration camps during World War Two. In that book, he paid special attention also to how the other prisoners were behaving in the face of difficulty in the face of adversity. Adversity is chokes me up. And let's face it, extreme suffering. You might think this is an extreme example. But here's something else that's extreme, wasting your life wasting your life because of unchecked feelings that are living rent free in your head, using all of the hot water, eating all of your food without replacing it, causing worry, pain, suffering, a frustrating level of mediocrity or the same results that you don't want any more, creating missed opportunities to grow. So for the rest of this episode, I'm going to run through four key takeaways from Dr. Frankel's book, Man's Search for Meaning as they will help you to build emotional resilience. And I'm going to relate all of these takeaways to relationships. Now, this is a bit abstract. But when you really think about it, like really, you know, get in to that prison. The prisoners in the Nazi concentration camps, were in relationships with the Nazi guards, they were in relationships with the other prisoners, weren't they because a relationship meant define it. Each person had an expectation of the other. They had a dynamic, they had something in place, it was an understanding of how one person would respond. They were in certain communications conversations, physical interactions with one another. So while I'm not saying that you should tell your spouse, or your boss that you're dynamic, it's a bit like being in a concentration camp, let's be real, nothing could be as bad as a concentration camp. It's the principles here the principles of adversity in relationship that are the same where humans in relationships, suffering, wanting to survive and thrive, searching for what it all means and wanting to be happy wanting to be free. That makes sense. Yes. So the next time that the deal is going sideways, or you get all the red lights, or someone pushes in front of you pushes your buttons, you feel offended and agitated. I want you to think of these takeaways. And remember, your corner of freedom, your corner of freedom in your mind, where only you can decide how you want to feel. The first takeaway to consider in any relationship situation, ship or conflict is that your attitude and mindset matter. Dr. FRANKEL saw that even in the most extreme dire of circumstances, you have the freedom to choose your attitude and mindset towards the situation. He was given a dirty bowl of water with a floating fish head in it. Now that was to be his meal, his sustenance for the entire day or days ahead. He didn't see that dirty bowl of water with a floating fish head in it as something disgusting to tip away. He saw it as his meal, he became grateful for the ability to put something in his stomach. So how about now, external circumstances that are unpleasant and difficult and out of your control, like the market, what other people say and do the traffic, that stuff may very well be outside of your control. But you always have the power to choose your inner response to those circumstances. So whether your boss is yelling at you or your spouse, annoying you or a stranger being really rude to you, you decide your attitude. You decide your mindset towards that situation. When I'm annoyed. Something I like to ask myself is, is my life really at the mercy of just anyone who annoys me? When I think that I immediately feel a little bit embarrassed, embarrassed that I let something so silly. Get to me. How has it been important anyway? How about you? Are you at the mercy of anyone Do annoys you? Are you walking around looking for people doing the wrong thing, hoping to catch them out, hoping to find someone wearing the wrong thing, eating the wrong thing saying the wrong thing. You're walking around looking for occasions to be offended and to complain about. Maybe you know someone like that. It's not nice. They're not nice to be around, are they? So the next time you feel agitated my friend, I want you to ask yourself, Is my life really at the mercy of anyone who annoys me? And because you're a high performer and not a monk, I want you to then ask yourself, How would my best self approach this situation? So in full? Is my life really at the mercy of anyone who annoys me? Okay, so how would my best self approach the situation? What would they do? What What would they tell me to do? The idea is to not stoop, stoop, the low energy or negativity of the other person, or group of people or the situation, because you can't solve a problem from the same level of mind that created it, can you take someone something higher, greater that someone is your highest self, it takes your better self. The second takeaway to consider in any relationship or conflict, to keep your peace and build that emotional resilience is to find meaning in suffering. That sounds a bit heavy, doesn't it? What I'm saying here is that suffering is inevitable in life, we're not pretending that we can forever avoid suffering, or just sweep it under the rug, go play pretend. And anyway, suffering isn't something that you should ignore. To do that is extremely unhealthy. And you're more likely to lose touch, you'll lose touch with reality, and you'll lose the impact that you want to have. What you want to do with suffering is transform it, you want to transform the suffering into a source of meaning and growth. And the key here is to not take things so damn personally, don't take what other people do and say, and inject it directly into your bloodstream. Now, I am super guilty of doing this, I'm prone to thinking, Well, how could they be so selfish? How could they be so inconsiderate? I would never do something like that. It's just so hurtful and offensive and obvious that you don't do that? Or say that, that, Oh, don't worry, they have spatial awareness. Maybe I give them a little nudge with my elbow that will sort them out.
Yeah. But I know that I'm not my thoughts don't have to identify with my thoughts, I can choose my thoughts. So I've empowered right and stay in that low energy for long. So the key here is to find meaning in suffering. Dr. FRANKEL says, We've got to reframe our perspective. And we do that by focusing on the lessons learned. And using that lesson as a catalyst for personal growth and building that emotional resilience. So the idea of this second takeaway is get it here to learn the lesson. And you'll never suffer from that trigger again. Now, I believe that relationships are assignments, assignments that were meant to learn something from, in fact, each person we meet from a stranger to someone we know really well is giving us an assignment, whether we like it or not. And whether we pass or fail, is simply down to a combination of how we choose to process that assignment. And then the actions we decide to take, for example, if you're dating, and you seem to come up with the same difficulties in people, there's a lesson to be learned here. Until you learn the lesson. You just keep meeting the same problem, it'll just have a different name, just like a school, fail that and they'll keep you down a grade to repeat it. But learn the lesson. And you'll go on to your next level, your higher level. And the same thing happens in your relationships, in your dynamic with people and your ability to lead your ability to influence and set new expectations in existing relationships in an existing team. Better yet, do this pass and you'll never be bothered by the same irritations again, it's just not part of what you see you're beyond it. The third takeaway is to remember your values and to live in alignment with your own meaning and Purpose. Now, if you're trying to be what other what you think other people want you to be, or to please people are really here to just be anyone but yourself, you will have handed over your power and your ability to be emotionally resilient on a silver platter over to somewhere else. It's not with you, that's for sure. So when you try to be what you think other people want, you will feel insecure, you will feel anxious and anxious as to whether you're getting it right pleasing them, making them happy, you will feel inadequate, then, if you don't get the response that you need to feel better their response to validate what you're doing. And of course, this negative state of mind will affect how you feel. It'll affect how you make decisions, and affect your mental and emotional health. It's a tick, tick, tick domino effect, leaving affect the way you walk, your posture, the way you talk your voice. In these takeaways. Dr. FRANKEL is advising you to clarify your deeply held values, you've got to know what they are. Because those values provide a guiding framework, a reference point for your decisions, your actions, and what eventually becomes those habitual behaviors. It becomes how you show up in relationships, it becomes how you show up at work, it'll then affect your overall sense of fulfillment and well being. I believe the same as Dr. Frankel, and I produced a whole season on helping you gain this kind of clarity in episodes one through five. So the idea, gain clarity, gain clarity over what you most value within yourself. And for yourself, you got to get clear on that. And you got to get clear on what you value in your relationships, you got to get clear on how the best of you will show up for other people. If you don't know, we're just going to be in reactive mode, you're going to be in hope things work out mode. You've also got to get clear on what your deepest desires and goals actually are. what yours are not what other peoples are not anyone living through you. You know. And then of course, you got to get clear on what your habits are doing, you have to get clear on where your habits are at when you say that you want something, but then you do something else, something not in alignment with what you said you want, then how do you expect people to trust you? How do you expect people to give you what you want, if you're not clear, as well. So when you gain clarity over all these areas, you will have a holistic reference framework for how to live from your best self, you'll unlock more of your potential, and you'll unlock your best relationships. And you'll chip away at that every single day. Now, I coach people through this process processes like this for gaining clarity and taking action in alignment with what they actually want. And within about three months, that's how long it takes transformation takes times about three months, that change in people's minds, in their health in their relationships, the change in their career is mind blowing. Of course, I also practice what I preach. And I also did this work. And that's why I did things like leave my long term relationship. I did things like certified as a high performance coach, I do things like start my own business. I've also committed to getting into the best shape and health of my life. And cloudy does that for you. Your next steps aren't a mystery or uncertainty anymore. They're of the yes, they're clear. The fourth and final takeaway is to remember that your search for meaning in your relationships is a life long journey. So with this level of awareness, you will, you will get more and more clarity and meaning as your life goes on. So just knowing that the search for meaning in your relationships is life long, you'll be a little bit more relaxed. So this takeaway is reminding you that meaning is an ongoing process because as you live as you take on your people assignments, as you learn your lessons, you will evolve. Your relationships will also evolve as you evolve. You'll become more independent of the good or bad opinion of other people. You become more creative and innovative, more resilient, more yourself more authentic and empowered and of course, more self actualized is what we're gearing towards here. You will be in relationships that reflect this more authentic to hire you, either because people saw how you were behaving and stepped up with you, or they saw this new level in you and they stepped away from you. They created space for people who were more aligned to join you on your journey contributing positively to your growth. This happens personally and professionally. It's obvious what it happens in personal relationships. But it happens way more often, in professional relationships. People tend to change jobs, or positions, way more often than they change relationships. So keeping this mindset of meaning over a lifelong journey really allows you also to be present, to be present, where you are now present with the people, the relationships you have in your life right now, present in the health and well being you have right now present in your career and impact that you're having right now. When you're present, do you focus on what matters. And when you focus on what matters, you're more likely to be intentional about bringing your best self, your highest values to the party, bringing your best self to your relationships, to how you hold conversations to any situation where you feel emotionally tested. In honoring where you're at, you see your assignment, point blank, you learn your lesson, give it to me, you grow, it feels good, you will evolve, and you serve the people around you better. As Steve Jobs said, I think it was his commencement speech at Stanford uni back circa 2005. He said you can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. So your challenge should you wish to accept it like a high performer is to think about conversations are people that trigger a negative emotional response in you. Maybe your heart rate increases and you feel that blood pumping in your neck and you want to go for their neck. The very next time this happens, I want you to entertain a thought. Is my life really at the mercy of this person who's annoying me? How would my best self my better self approach this situation and take action from there. Now personally, my best self would remember her values.
She remember she remember her values of care, positive energy and empowerment. So that's how I would respond to the situation. I'd let those values inspire what I say and do next. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoy this episode. And if you'd like to support the high performance made simple podcast, I'd feel so darn good and I know that you are clued up for how to feel good to unaffected by people. That is the goal. Please share this with three awesome people. Maybe they're your friends, people you work with, and maybe your partner in life. To catch the latest from me. You can follow me on LinkedIn at Tanya Semerad or Instagram and Tiktok at Tanya underscore high performance and I look forward to tuning in with you again soon. Ciao for now.