The Paradox of Being Capable but Still Feeling Insecure

Why insecurity is a signal, not a sign, and what to do when it shows up

by Tanya Semerad

You're not wrong to feel insecure at times. Insecurity is a normal human experience. It tends to surge when we face something unfamiliar, receive difficult feedback, or walk into a situation where the outcome really matters to us. And the more we feel we have to lose, the more threatened (and therefore insecure) we tend to feel.

When we notice the insecurity, recognise it, and choose to move forward in ways aligned with our values and goals, something lovely happens. Self-doubt fades and self-belief rises. We take steps and build momentum. We start to believe that no matter what difficulty comes our way, we can figure it out along the way. That is self-trust working in real life.

Insecurity becomes a problem when we try to predict every way things could go wrong (some people call this catastrophising). Or when we change ourselves in ways that don't match our true values and compromise our needs. Or when you can't stop replaying the conversation that hurt us, on a loop, like a song you never even liked.

When this happens, the issue isn't your capability. It's what you believe other people's opinions or reactions mean about you, and the belief that what they think of you matters more than what you know about yourself.

I know this because I, too, am no stranger to insecurity.

As a young lawyer, I was on the path that was leading to partner at the firm. I worked hard, painstakingly combed through every email, letter, and instant message that I sent, and kept a running tally of every sign that I didn't quite belong. I was trying to control what people thought about me – before, during, and after.

And you know that tight feeling you sometimes get in your neck and shoulders? Well, that built up for me, and not just because I was hunched over my keyboard or phone. My body kept score on a deeper level: throat infection after throat infection, and eventually an auto-immune diagnosis that shook my digestion, sleep, focus, and threatened my hormonal ability to conceive. I looked capable on paper. But inside, I was hurting mentally, physically, and emotionally.

And it doesn't just live in the past. Not long ago, a client sent me the most beautiful, adoring WhatsApp message. My first reaction? I braced. I actually scanned it for the catch, the "but", the part where it all went wrong. Something to say I’d done something wrong or they didn’t want to work with me anymore. There wasn't one. Years of leading global teams and coaching high performers, and my nervous system still went looking for the bad news – a fire to put out or a miscommunication to smooth over. (Old habits are very committed.)

But the difference now is that I catch the pattern instead of obeying it.

The more I've worked with other high performers, the more I noticed a pattern of frequent insecurity, even in the most capable of people. And the more I learn about them, the more I've come to realise that while we are a very self-aware and emotionally intelligent bunch (which has helped us get to where we are), we have become accustomed to anticipating everything in advance, which in turn, had us earn our titles and our confidence. To the point where that is how we believe we earn the recognition, safety, and belonging we've always wanted.

From a young age, we were compared to and pitted against others. Our heads were turned towards a handful of positions with hundreds of others vying for each spot. We quickly realised that our well-meaning parents, teachers, and caregivers preferred, prioritised, and protected the high achievers, showing them the attention and care we desperately wanted.

And as adults, the striving continued.

We've been trained to earn our place and our right to feel confident through achieving targets and promotions, nodding approvals from those ahead of us, and showing we are more effective than everyone else in the room and further proving why we belong there.

And it feels good when it works.

Our leadership positions in companies and communities feel justified. That we've earned the right to be there… That is, until somebody questions us or expresses disappointment in something we're involved in, even if it's just a moment of silence or a furrowed brow. Then we question the totality of ourselves and our belonging with the leadership tribe, and our confidence deflates right in the middle of our chest.

What's more concerning is that we don't just lose confidence when we receive or perceive negative feedback. We lose confidence when we anticipate it. And we’ve become anticipation machines!

That's right. Merely imagining a negative outcome triggers insecurity and floods the body with a cocktail of threat hormones and chemicals, filling our bodies unease, as if the rejection had actually happened. Our bodies don't know the difference. And when unchecked, those thoughts gain momentum and the feelings surge stronger – and then what does the good-hearted high performer do? We perfect ourselves incessantly. We privately obsess over little details, anticipating and predicting and hedging. We wait until we feel more ready. We line up very reasonable-sounding excuses that suits.

The more successful we become, the more we see we have to lose, and the louder insecurity seems to get. Some people have even come to see insecurity as a permanent part of who they are, i.e. part of their identity, rather than the temporary signal it's meant to be.

Many of us have a name ready for it: imposter syndrome. We identify as someone who lives with self-doubt. If we feel a wobble before a big presentation, within minutes we've diagnosed ourselves – and case closed.

Often, labels can feel like relief, because at least now we know what's "wrong" with us. But a label can also turn a passing feeling into a permanent identity. And the more we repeat it, the more we believe it. That’s the problem.

So, let's be clear from the start. Insecurity is a temporary signal, not a permanent sign. It isn't proof that you're a fraud who's about to be found out and doesn’t belong. It's information about the moment you're in, not a verdict on who you are.

In fact, the more experienced and successful my clients and colleagues are, the more they tend to forget the significance of their own expertise and value. Often, they even devalue it. They let negative reactions, real and anticipated, shake their self-belief. Anything negative becomes a threat to their whole self and everything they've built, rather than an isolated event.

Privately, we fear we aren't good enough. So we avoid even the possibility of being found wanting, in case what we fear about ourselves is revealed. And round and round the insecurity goes.

So, as high performers who want to feel less insecure and take the lead more courageously, we need to learn to separate the desire to do well from the need to feel good enough.

Practically speaking, we need to learn to welcome feedback without assuming it means we've failed. We need to learn to take responsibility for mistakes without turning them into evidence that we're fundamentally inadequate. And we need to learn that an anticipated threat serves a purpose, but it's meant to be temporary. It isn't supposed to call our entire sense of self into question, override our values and desires, or stop us taking aligned steps toward our goals.

We have a choice, here… We could take the therapeutic route and explore every reason, real and imagined, as for why we feel insecure. But I know the healing power of forward motion, momentum, and transformation. This is why I'm a coach, and not a therapist. So, my vote is that we give coaching a try through the frameworks I’m about to share with you.

Here's the bottom line: the more you depend on other people's reactions to feel secure, the more carefully you try to manage those reactions. The more carefully you manage them, the more you place their (often only anticipated) opinions above the truth of who you are, and the more you suffer in trying to overly perfect yourself and control others' future reactions to you. And the more you do that i.e. the more you try to prove that you belong, the more insecure you become, and the harder it is be your best self. It becomes impossible to be authentic, let alone be recognised, respected, and valued for it.

So, if you're curious about what it would be like to move through insecurity and self-doubt, while connecting more deeply with your true self and your innate courage so that you radiate with the confidence you deserve, you're in the right place.

Something you might not know

As a certified coach and former lawyer, I like to take a very practical, investigative approach to feelings of inadequacy. That's exactly what we're going to do together here. But it would be remiss of me to skip the foundation these feelings sit on, which so many people miss altogether: the role your personal identity plays in all of this.

After more than 10 years of working with high performers, I know that personal identity (what you believe to be true about yourself) runs parallel to practical analysis and skill-building.

In fact, when skills are built without securing that foundation at the same time, they stand on shaky, insecure ground. They stay underdeveloped and underused, and the insecurity hangs around. What we need to do is reset the foundations of how you see yourself. Put simply, it's time to begin to see yourself as the type of person who can use their full range of skills, adaptability, and learning, with confidence.

Think of it like this… You have an iPhone and you update an important app. But you can’t use the app, because it keeps glitching. It keeps glitching, because the iOS (operating system) that is sits on, hasn’t been upgraded and therefore cannot support the updated app or download new apps.

The updated app that glitches are the practical skills that I know you’re building. But the issue is that when you the new skills because you don’t believe you’re the type of person who can exercise them under pressure without bugging out.

So, we're going to look at both: the practical skill-building (app) side of overcoming insecurity, and the identity work underneath it (iOS) that actually determines how successfully use your skills and move from self-doubt to self-trust.

Getting practical with insecurity: read the signal

Let's start with the practical side: investigating self-doubt instead of automatically treating it as evidence that you're inadequate.

Remember, it's completely normal to feel uncomfortable, unsure, and insecure in unfamiliar territory or high-stakes situations. But it's meant to be temporary, like a traffic light that moves from red to amber to green. Not a stop sign cemented into the road. So before you reach for the imposter syndrome label, or tell yourself that you don't belong, remember: this is a signal, not a sign.

First, I notice the signals of insecurity building.

For me, that's a mind that's overthinking and catastrophising, and a body that feels a little shaky, like I'm threatened and ungrounded. This simple act of noticing lets me rise above the physical experience so that I can see its mechanics.

Then I work through this three-part self-inquiry:

1. What am I afraid will happen? Be specific. Don't settle for a vague sense of dread.
2. Is there a genuine skill, knowledge, or preparation gap here? Maybe it's a matter of learning, practising, gathering information, or quietly seeking feedback. Be honest: are you genuinely unprepared, or are you delaying until failure, criticism, and disapproval become impossible? (Spoiler: they never will. "Impossible" is a false standard, because it means controlling other people and outside circumstances, like the market, which were never in your control to begin with.) If you don't have the skill, knowledge, or preparation you need, insecurity is your signal to make time to gain it. Schedule that time into your calendar now, recurring if need be. If you more or less have the skill or ability, keep going.
3. If I have the capacity to handle this, what action would I take without the fear of being judged? The action is usually simple, even if the feeling isn't. Schedule it into your calendar now. The highest performers in the world take action before they feel comfortable. Part of them lives on the edge of comfort, in progressive discomfort.

I write my answers in a private journal that I carry with me almost everywhere.

Seeing my responses on paper helps me step back from the high mental RPM of everything that could go wrong, and from the emotional deluge of fear and insecurity. From that elevated space, I can separate fact from fiction and plan accordingly.

But what about the times you've got the competence and you're still stuck in the mud of delay?

What if you still need other people to confirm you're good enough?

What if you're still arguing with the voice in your head, and you need other people to take your side before you'll move?

Take back the job of defining you

When the problem isn't your capability, yet you're paralysed by fearful thoughts and feelings, it's time for the other parallel: what you believe about yourself.

The shift is from labels and thoughts like "I'm insecure", "I have imposter syndrome", and "How can I become so confident that nobody can make me doubt myself again?" to self-declarative labels and thoughts like "Insecurity is just a signal, not a sign", "Everything happens for me, not to me, and I believe in my ability to figure anything out", and "I decide who I am, and no one can make me question myself unless I let them".

The goal is to stop asking the outside world (bosses, colleagues, family, friends) to tell you who you are.

It's perfectly OK to want to be seen as likeable and excellent, and to want to be collaborative. But when you're consumed by questions like "Do they like what I said?", "Do they like how I look?", "Do they respect me?", "Did I handle that well enough?", "Have I disappointed them?", "Am I being perceived the right way?", you've moved your definition of self from the inside to the outside.

And when you move your definition of self to the outside, you're playing the impossible-to-win game of anticipating, pre-managing, and maintaining other people's thoughts, opinions, and reactions, both real and anticipated.

You edit yourself to get reassurance, permission, or validation, and drift away from your truth, values, and goals - and the more insecurity consumes you. I've seen that these feelings follow us up the corporate ladder and across into new roles, new businesses, and new relationships. When we focus on opinions and circumstances we can't control, we silently tumble around in an endless washing-machine cycle of insecure thoughts and feelings. (And nobody comes out of that cycle fresh and folded.)

What you want to do is change your reference point. Instead of focusing outward on others, you use your own values, judgment, and intentions from inside as the starting point for your decisions. This is what it means to go from externally referenced (what will they think) to internally referenced (here's what I think).

Don't get me wrong: being internally referenced isn't believing your opinion is always right. Being internally referenced is the capacity to evaluate your own judgment against your own deeply held values and personal desires, without needing someone else to validate it (that is, validate you) first.

This is where we learn to separate what happened, or what you fear might happen, from what you've made it mean about who you are. This is how you change your relationship with insecurity from the ground up. And this is where you lay a stronger foundation for your more practical skills, knowledge, and abilities to shine.

Here's your four-step sequence for separating events from your sense of self, while keeping your ambition and your care for others, your company, and your community:

1. Identify the external event (or anticipated event). Did it actually happen outside your mind? If it did, state it factually, without interpreting it. For example, "A senior colleague disagreed with my recommendation in a meeting." Or, "Someone responded negatively to a boundary I set." Just the facts.
2. Identify the meaning you attached to it. Now examine the story that followed. Maybe it sounded like, "They don't respect me… I've damaged my reputation… I was too assertive… They must think I'm incompetent." This is where insecurity gains momentum. The event happened, but the conclusion about your identity is an extra layer of interpretation. Sometimes those interpretations are useful. Most of the time, they're assumptions, exaggerations, or old beliefs triggered by a familiar situation. Bottom line: you don't have to accept a story just because it feels convincing.
3. Return to your own considered judgment. Ask yourself: What do I actually believe about the situation? Did I act in line with my values and responsibilities? Is there anything legitimate I need to acknowledge, repair, or improve? Am I uncomfortable because I acted against my standards, or because somebody didn't respond the way I'd hoped?

That last question is particularly powerful. Sometimes discomfort is appropriate, and being internally referenced doesn't let you off the hook for your responsibilities. But the majority of the time, I'd bet you acted thoughtfully and respectfully, and the other person simply has a different point of view. If you acted in line with your values and someone disapproves, practise letting that disapproval exist as a normal part of ongoing communication and relationship in general - without turning it into a verdict about yourself or your worth.

1. Choose your response rather than reacting to their reaction. Ask, "What response best reflects my values, judgment, and intentions?" You might clarify, adjust your approach, or apologise if it's genuinely needed. Equally, you might decide no further action is necessary and let the conversation end, both in the room and in your head, before and after. You're allowed to leave a meeting without replaying every sentence in search of proof that you performed well enough. In short: make your next action a considered choice aligned with your values, and let the insecurity dissolve, rather than scrambling to control everything just to make the uncomfortable feeling go away.

The unexpected journey back to yourself

I trust that because you've come this far with me, you can see there's something to be said for continuous growth.

For me, growth has been a series of learning and unlearning.

Learning new skills, knowledge, and emotions that match the person I want to become. And unlearning the skills, knowledge, and emotions that served me in the past but, as today's habits, actually sabotage me.

I've come to understand that I need to give myself grace and gratitude for who I am today, while acknowledging, adjusting, and allowing for the person I'm becoming tomorrow.

Interestingly, and rather surprisingly, I've realised that this learning and unlearning, in the forward motion of life, has simultaneously been a journey back home to my Self.

Building new parts of me while breaking down the habits and attitudes that got me here has been a return to the person my inner knowing knows me to be, and keeps urging me to rediscover. That is, the person I was before competition, lack, and comparison were installed in me.

I don't necessarily want to break everything in my life. I just want to enjoy the great things I've created and the people I know, while feeling free to be more and more myself in the moment-to-moment of my work and life. Less overthinking, anticipating, and preparing for the worst. More being in the moment, speaking my truth with warmth without losing being direct, and working with people who align with my values and don't pressure me to break my values.

This level of personal transformation has meant taking a lot of risks (leaving jobs, relationships, and friendships that looked perfect on paper), and spending more time alone than most people would choose. But now that I've got the hang of personal transformation, I know how to help myself, and how to guide others through it, without blowing everything up. And, doing it much more quickly than their comforts and conditioning would otherwise allow. That is the power of having a guide by your side.

In Certified High Performance Coaching, we use something called the Clarity Chart. It's a simple tool that keeps the best of who you are (your values, attitudes, and habits) clean and clear. Because I can handwrite it or print it out and stick it on the wall behind my computer, I'm never left wondering how to start or how to respond. Both while working and emailing alone, and when in the middle of a video call.

Hundreds of thousands of high performers globally use the Clarity Chart to stay focused on what matters most to them. I will have to do a separate essay or podcast that goes more in depth for you, but here's something you can work with right now...

Draw three columns:

1. Your mind at its best. In the first column, write the heading "thinking". Down the first two rows, write two values or characteristics that describe your mind at its best. For example, calm, positive, curious, or kind. After each word, write why it matters to you. In the third row, think of one more value or characteristic that the next-level version of you embodies consistently: something you know you should be doing but don't do often enough (or at all), and that would elevate your mindset, clarity, and focus if you did it consistently. Then write down why that new habit or characteristic is important to you.
2. You with others at your best. In the second column, write the heading "relationships". Down the first two rows, write two values or characteristics that describe how the best of you relates to others. For example, patient, direct, warm, or curious. After each word, write why it matters to you. Then in the third row, add one characteristic the next-level version of you shows consistently: something you know you should be doing but don't do often enough (or at all), and that would deepen your connection with others and your ability to lead at new levels. Then write down why that's important to you.
3. Your habits at their best. In the third column, write the heading "habits". Down the first two rows, write two habits or rituals that keep you performing at your best, i.e. giving you clarity, energy, focus, and/or influence. For example: 45 minutes of exercise a day, morning meditation, daily journalling, eight hours' sleep, hitting your daily protein, carbs, and fats, or taking five minutes between meetings to reset. After each one, write why it matters to you. Then in the third row, think of one habit the next-level version of you does consistently: something you know you should be doing but don't do often enough (or at all), and that would elevate your performance and your enjoyment of life. Then write down why that is important to you.

I've used the Clarity Chart to stay on course through career changes, going for promotion, starting a side business, elevating my leadership presence, breakups and new relationships, regaining my health, and becoming a bodybuilder just for fun. (Yes, really.)

I'll absolutely do a separate article or podcast episode on the Clarity Chart to bring it to life for you. For now, I think you get the gist of why the world's highest performers can stay focused on what matters and realign with the best of themselves more quickly, no matter what difficulties tempt them to doubt their truth and slip back into managing the unmanageable opinions of others.

Clients have told me the Clarity Chart halved the time they lost to doom-scrolling, catastrophising, and delaying. When I ask how much time it has saved them, I get responses that tell me anything from three hours of procrastination, to three days of delay and avoidance - each time. Over a month, that really adds up.

And instead, they filled that time with one next step aligned with the best of who they are: sending the email, practising asking for the promotion, designing their side-hustle logo, reading the book, learning a new skill, doing the outreach, or finishing a block of project work.

This is how the world's highest performers get ahead. And on the way, they feel better and better about themselves. And this leads to more self-trust and self-belief.

So here's the paradox, resolved. Being capable was never the problem. And you were never an imposter. The insecurity comes from handing other people the job of telling you who you are. When you take that job back by investigating the doubt, moving your reference point inside, and staying clear on the best of who you are, your capability finally gets to stand on solid ground. And you get to trust that no matter what lands on your desk, in your inbox, or in your messages, you can figure it out.

Which part of this landed for you? I'd love to hear. Leave a comment or send me a message.

Tanya