What do you want?

Not the answer you'd give at a dinner party. The one you're afraid to say out loud.

So, what do you want?

Most people answer this question with: “I want to do what I want, whenever I want.”

And I just love it when people add: “… as many times as I want!” Which makes me smile from ear-to-ear. Delightful!

Of course, what they’re talking about is freedom. They want freedom.

Complete freedom to do whatever they want! I love that. The human spirit wants nothing more than to expand in every direction and take up glorious space. Kudos!

But the longer I sat with it, the more I realised something really big and important was missing in that statement.

I realised that what I actually want is the freedom to be who I want to be.

Not to take up space or make myself big just for the sake of being able to say I accomplished something. But to actually unfold as who I really am, from the inside out. To be who I truly am, uninhibited, joyful, and free. While living a life of meaning, connection, and love. Too much to ask? Well, when I speak more deeply with people, it turns out that’s what they really want, too. Turns out I’m not alone.

What is it to be truly yourself?

For me, it boils down to the feeling of being free to be fully expressed, and actually being that. In conversations, messages, decisions, and in my personal style, for example. Without toning myself down, doubting myself, or adopting a style that would make me feel acceptable.

Being free is more than about communication and perception; it’s being able to follow my inner compass and live my truth with each decision and path I take! No holding back. No delay. No ‘going along with it for just a little longer’ or keeping quiet just to keep the peace.

No more slimming myself down to a smaller version of me, just to fit in and feel accepted. Physically, interpersonally, or otherwise.

I want to walk out of rooms that don’t align with my values. And not return. 

I want to take up space. Without apologising.

I want to openly express my true thoughts and feelings. Without delay, shame, or guilt.

What I want most is the freedom to be the real me, in full bloom. Everywhere.

How do we get there?

In my experience, every change, disappointment, and rejection, has been an opportunity to choose my direction again and slowly but surely (re)discover myself and my truth.

The biggest reroute was when I was made redundant during the Global Financial Crisis. I was a lawyer. I decided not to follow the “safe path” back into another firm. This really disappointed my family and made my friends raise their eyebrows.

The corporate success ladder of “path to partner” wasn’t as glam or engaging as it was in the movies. I looked to the leaders in power and was inspired by some (their lives looked lush and they had nice things) but majority of leaders were not only uninspiring, but downright awful in their barking commands, false masculine bravado, and drunken exploits. Sure, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted but I knew for sure that they were nothing at all what I wanted to be like.

A truth I was hiding beneath my own power suit was that I was more creative and commercial than a career in law would allow me to be. So, after I collected a box with my desk belongings packed up, and turning an awkward smile to colleagues in the hallway (the joys of being terminated, effective immediately), I knew that as devastating as this was (who was I if I wasn’t a lawyer anymore?), I knew something had to change.

So, I got a job as a receptionist while I figured it out. I decided on something new – to start again at the bottom of the corporate marketing ladder, while building my first business - a marketing and advertising agency (for lawyers and law firms 😉).

This reroute led me to head of marketing for global companies in less than four years and before my 30^th birthday, hiring people more senior in experience and age, testament to the fact that when you follow that tug from your inner guidance system, outer success can happen much more quickly than grinding out a career where you’re constantly battling and trying to prove your relevance.

I was quickly in the senior leadership team and almost immediately, I knew there was only so much I could learn from the company, so I decided to certify as a High Performance Coach at my own expense. I wanted an edge in the company, and specifically to achieve that by learning to empower myself and enable my team to be their best, too.

Coaching turned out to be so much fun and gave people stunning clarity, confidence, and unexpected outcomes, so I started coaching people outside of the business and it turned into paid work (an additional income stream!).

I continued marketing and coaching side-by-side for a few years, coaching after work and moonlighting as a speaker at members clubs in London, but when the global pandemic hit, I was in a position to make another decision. I decided to reroute. This decision guided me to quit my job, by being the first person in the company to volunteer for redundancy. Everyone thought I was crazy – I had a cushy job in London, company BMW, and best salary of my life.

I took the risk and watched over the next few weeks as offices shut down, colleagues were furloughed or made redundant. I dove head-first into my current (and final?) career – having my own business and coaching over phone call and video call.

Since the lockdowns lifted, I’ve been free to travel the world while I run my business. I’ve lived in three major cities since then, and am embarking on my fourth. I have the physical freedom to be anywhere I want. And travel, different cultures, and going on an adventure have always called to me. I’m living my dream.

Another major reroute was deciding not to marry my fiancé. We were so tied together and I was always paying my way in the relationship, despite earning less, paying off study debt, and catering to his champagne taste. But, I knew it wasn’t the right relationship, so I decided to risk having nowhere to live, and be both partnerless and childless in my early thirties – by choice.

But while I made a good decision to not marry him, I seemed to repeat my previous mistake by falling in love with someone who made connection, love, and emotional safety nearly impossible for a half-decade thereafter. Needless to say, that relationship ended brutally. But, I’m happy to confirm that I’ve learned my relationship lessons and spent the other half of that decade enjoying being myself, single, dedicated to discovering more of my truth, building my business, and gaining the body and health of my dreams.

Having space away from a partner who was all-consuming, gave me the opportunity to reconnect with myself and what I really wanted in relationship.

Once I gained audacious clarity about the type of man I would be with, I met my soulmate. A deeply caring, thoughtful, sexy(!), selfless man who adores me. I didn’t think they made men like him anymore. What a miracle! And we’re expecting a baby boy soon. Turns out that when I’m happy, healthy, and fully myself, having an easy and healthy pregnancy while close to 40 years of age, isn’t as difficult as popular medical fear-mongering makes it out to be.

When I reflect on these few reroutes, I actually see that while I’ve lived my life flying by the seat of my pants a little, I’ve successfully challenged myself to live in a way that is way more uncomfortable than my fear, perfectionism, or good opinion of other people, would allow.

And, I’m not done.

I admit that while it’s been frustrating to not know or predict how my risky decisions would turn out, whether I’d make rent the following month, or if I had enough on my card for groceries, being true to my inner desires has been less painful than continuing to sit at tables where I wasn’t valued, truly accepted, or able to be my best me.

Persisting with people, both at work and at home, who needed me to be a certain way for them at the expense of my values (which they knew about, and which I often forfeited to keep the peace or stay “safe”), created an inner suffering so severe, at least one day per week I had zero energy to move, while other weeks I had throat infections requiring antibiotics. At one stage in my life, my self-muzzling created an inner suffering that physically manifested into an autoimmune disease in my early 20’s.

So, have you ever felt the desire to unleash? And be fully yourself?

Have you ever felt the ache to rip off the corporate mask, loosen the necktie, and move through conversations, challenges, and changes as your truest, fullest, in-the-moment, no-holds-barred, hot-mess, authentic self? And be appreciated, respected, and paid well for it?

Or, are you mostly yourself already but notice that there are certain people or situations that you compromise yourself, just to keep the peace? But you know deep inside that you can’t continue like this for much longer?

Either way, you’re not alone. And I could probably hazard a guess at some of the reasons you keep and the excuses you make for people.

When feeling the immense pressure of bottling my truth and the frustration of forgoing my needs to keep the peace, these questions helped me gain clarity:

1. Imagine your perfect day where you’re fully your truest, best, most fully-expressed self – what do you do to fill the day? Who is around? How do you feel?
2. Now, think of the biggest reason why you can’t have that perfect day – got your reason? Now, is that reason true?
3. Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you know it’s absolutely true?
4. Where did that reason come from?
5. What’s the payoff for keeping that reason alive? What does it give you?
6. What would your life look like if you couldn’t physically use that reason or excuse? Either you had amnesia or someone took it away.
7. Can you create a rational reason to change? To let the excuse go?

I’ve learned that even with all the freedom to choose how we spend our time and money, without being fully your true self, you will feel something is missing – and it’s something money can’t buy.

I’ve realised it would be so much better to be fully oneself, no regrets, while on this journey of being alive, fully savouring your truth, revelling in full authentic expression, and along the way, earning a living being totally yourself and, in that living, earn enough money, respect, or freedom to do what you want.

That is the dream. One step at a time.

What if you don't know what you want?

Don’t worry if you don’t know what your truth is or what you really want. Many people don’t know they are outside of their achievements, job title, and people we’re responsible for. Most of us have spent most of our lives adjusting, overly compromising, crisis-managing, or hiding our true thoughts and desires. For various reasons.

But, by going through those questions above, you’re privately deciding to start shifting the layers of learned expectation, accumulation, and fear of loss that have been piling up with each birthday. And it didn’t take a single therapy session. This is the power of quietly deciding to have a little look, play a game of “what if”, and just see what a life lived more like yourself would be like.

You are more powerful than you believe you are.